I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
