Im at strip club and am horny
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
