I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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