Plan B is the new Plan A
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
