when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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