I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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