Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
my being single is dangerous.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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