I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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