Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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