you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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