the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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