Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
