Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i love accidental penises.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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