i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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