He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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