Umm I'm too high to move.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
