I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
