And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
