Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
