I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
