girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize