i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
