Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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