I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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