Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize