So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
