It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
