i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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