there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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