Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
