why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
