Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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