paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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