just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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