We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
