No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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