Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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