If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
