I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Then you guys just all showered together...?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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