Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize