My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
