Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
