I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize