How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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