You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I touched a dick in church today
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
