Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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