I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
