so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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