apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
