he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
