I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Success! We fucked roommates!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
