i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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