The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We're too hungover to prance.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
