Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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