she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You're like the curious george of whores
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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