I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
