I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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