chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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