i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
