when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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